Once again Mother Nature has arrived right on time. I’m glad that my body is so dependable. The sarcasm today has a little irony in it: my annual with the ob is supposed to be tomorrow afternoon. Guess I’ll be making a phone call in the morning. Hopefully I’ll still be able to make it, those appointment are really hard to come by.
So since I haven’t posted in a while, I’ll plat catch-up. Here’s what’s going on in the world of me:
– my nephew is 6 weeks old and growing fast
– my brother is celebrating his one year anniversary
– my hubby graduates college this month
– still hoping for a fall IUI (still not really sharing the plan with anyone)
– bored at work
– going in a weekend camping/fishing trip with the hubby to celebrate graduation
– started exercising again (slowly but surely)
– and that’s it!
Congratulations are in order, my nephew was born last night. At 36 wks he entered the world weighing 4lb 4oz and at the moment his only health concern is low blood pressure. Yeah for them.
In other news, I finally broke last night. And I mean broke. I’m still trying to put the pieces of myself back together today. Yesterday was one of those days where nothing goes the way it should:
Had to take my wedding ring off because my hands are too swollen from my recent weight gain
By the way, I’ve gained over 30 lbs in the past two years (the stress of TTC, gotta love it)
Went to make a house payment and didn’t have any checks
Ordered apple pies in the drive through and didn’t get them
Tried to make a house payment online and was locked out of the account, started throwing a hissy fit (go ahead ask, I know you don’t know what a hissy fit is)
Finally got into the account only to find it’s still associated with the former loan number (we refinanced)
Tried to make a payment on the phone, get sent to a third party company for the payment (pet peeve of mine, refuse to pay third party when my debt is with you)
Cue full blown hissy fit
Can’t find any checks (remember, I’m out) because I forgot to order them
Hubby doesn’t understand why I’m pissed and tried to tell me to calm down (yeah right)
Finally get the house payment done and go to bed
Full on breakdown commences
(Oh yeah, did I mention I’m an aunt? There’s the icing on the cake)
So I’m laying in the bed sobbing and my husband comes in and asks what’s wrong. I honestly didn’t know at that point, I just knew I couldn’t handle it anymore. Finally after some coaxing, cuddling, crying I finally asked him when I had become this fat, angry monster that I feel like. He told me that I’m not a monster and that he loves me no matter what. That we’ve both changed since we met, but as long as we love each other everything will be ok. Then he held me and let me just cry and get everything out.
He’s right, and that’s finally what calmed me down. As long as we stick together and talk to each other, it’ll all be ok. I have someone in my corner no matter what else happens.
Tomorrow will be better.
Finally! Spring is officially here (someone please tell whoever’s in charge of the weather in the Midwest)!
Since spring is a time of new birth and new beginnings, I thought it fitting to share with all of you my to-do list for this spring/summer. (It really isn’t ‘new’ but I hope to actually get it all done this year. That would be ‘new’!)
• clean my house (it desperately needs it)
• clean my garage (see above)
• finish pepper pots
• plant peppers
• clean out flower beds
• make new iris bed
• attempt to get yard in shape (weeds are my grass)
• keep ‘stuff’ from growing in bottom of yard (half of my yard is so badly sloped there is no mowing. It’s basically an empty flower bed)
• introduce dogs to neighbors (it’s a war zone on the fence line right now)
• get in shape (this actually starts Monday, for the third time)
• plan vacation for fall (I know why not summer? Well because where we want to vacation, it’s too damn hot)
• set up appt with re to actually get things going (this appt probably won’t be until the fall as well, but I at least want it scheduled)
• spend more ‘quality time’ with the hubby (come on, we all could use some of this)
I think that’s about it. Later.
How do you move from the vast and ever growing community of the infertile to the ever challenging world of expecting? Once those two pink lines appear the battle is over right? You won, you’re pregnant.
I think we all know it’s not that simple. For one, the battle might be won, but the war has only just begun when those lines appear. Now you must nurture and care for this life you have created. And as someone who has yet to experience this miracle, I can only imagine the battles on that front.
Then how do you tell those whom have struggled right along side you, and even continue to struggle in your victory? You can’t just blurt it out, and you can’t act like its bad news either. But how can you be happy in your victory when you know their heartache all to well?
And how do you assimilate into a new community where everyone is complaining about all the symptoms you now cherish? How do you explain to them why you’re cautiously optimistic well into the second (or even third) trimester? Or why every hiccup or kick startles you because you still can’t believe it’s not all just a dream?
When do you ‘go public’? When do you let others share in your triumph? At what point do you accept that it’s real? And what if your miracle was medically assisted? Does this change things? What if it wasn’t? What if you were one of the lucky ones that somehow managed to conceive naturally while waiting for ‘the next step’? Does this mean you were never really infertile?
These are the questions running through my head as I wait for the ever faithful AF to make her appearance. Of course, since I was going to get back in the game next cycle, she’s late. So I wait, all whilst trying to figure out how long to wait before I test. Oh the joys of creating life!
After hearing about another pregnancy today and having to walk away and fight my emotional state, I’ve come to a realization. It’s not so much the pregnancy/baby announcements that hurt, it’s the fact that we’re not trying, and therefore no closer to our own miracle.
Since me and the hubby are on a ‘break’ I feel like we’re not doing anything to get any closer to our baby. It’s silly, because I know logistically we can’t do IUI right now and our chances of natural conception are dismal at best, but I still feel like we should be doing something. It really comes down to me being impatient. I’m tired of waiting. There I said it.
I’m done being the strong person and bottling up the affects of infertility. I’m done being happy for everyone and their success at making a family. I want my own, and I want it now. (JG Wentworth anyone?) I’m tired of seeing baby/family stuff everywhere, except my house.
So what to do about it? I guess I start with the hubby and just talk. I need to find out if he objects to ‘trying’ ahead of schedule. Or at least really buckling down and getting healthier (and work on debt). I need something (baby!) to make me feel like I’m making progress. Most of all, I need….
So we all know that those of us going through infertility all are far to familiar with this particular monster, but are we the only ones? I recently found out that that answer is no. Apparently infertility jealousy (being jealous of the fertile) extends beyond the hopeful mom and dad to those around us, namely the hopeful grandparents, aunts, and uncles.
How did I come across this gem of knowledge? Well by talking to my mother of course. I’m not sure why it never occurred to me before, but why wouldn’t those who know of our struggles not experience this pain, at least on some level. So what does this mean? What do we do with this knowledge? In my case, I choose to play it off, make light of a very sensitive situation. Although I always tend to hide my true emotions, pretend it’s not a big deal. But right now I feel like I can’t put a damper on the excitement of our expanding family. Obviously not me, but my mother will have her first grandchild soon, a grandson due in May. I can’t be so selfish to ruin that excitement right, at least not to them.
But our extended family is not the only ones who go through this. I briefly mentioned the hopeful parents earlier, so how do we support our spouses? For me, it’s very difficult because my hubby doesn’t open up. Since we are suffering with mfi, I know he feels guilty and I know that infertility jealousy affects him, I’m just not sure how to help him with it.
And now back to us, the women of infertility. The green-eyed monster and me have a love-hate relationship. He loves to show up, and I hate the bitter feeling I’m left with. I really thought I could will myself away from jealousy and bitterness, but it didn’t work. It does, however, seem to depend on how well I know the person and their situation. With my brother, cousins, and former exchange student, it wasn’t jealousy I felt it was pain. It hurt to find out they were experiencing what I long for so desperately.
Please forgive me if you thought this post was going to be about how to deal with jealousy, if I ever figure that out I’ll let you know.
Another friend has a newborn in their arms tonight. I don’t know how much more I can take. I really thought I had moved past the jealousy every time I hear of a new mother (or child) but apparently not.
I have three other post waiting in drafts to be finished, but this is all I can think to write tonight. I’m hurting, and ashamed of it.